Rebellion

Having a rebellious spirit is a dangerous thing. It leads you deep into a hole and leaves you there to die alone. 

My sister called out a spirit of rebellion in me. It shook me because I remembered a verse that says "the rebellious dwell in a dry land." I thought, "oh no. That's it." So I started searching and studying what else the bible says about rebellion. 

Let me just tell you, if you're letting rebellion stir in your spirit, just stop right now. God, HATES rebellion. Rebellion does not go unpunished, and in most cases in the bible, God handles a rebellious spirit quickly and hard. Oh does He come down hard. 

A few years back I was involved in a church that I loved. It seemed like right when I needed them, all of these people were a part of my life praying for me, counseling me, and encouraging me everyday in Christ. I started to really identify myself in Christ, and His love for me overwhelmed my soul. Everything was right, until it wasn't. In the midst of ego and pride, I was hurt, deeply hurt. My heart was shattered and I was left feeling completely alone in my walk. 

I've been a Christian my whole life, I accepted Jesus and was baptized at 7, but not until I was a part of that church did I really develop a relationship with Christ. When the church fell, I fell, and instead of trusting in God, I became angry with him, and for 3 and a half years, I've continued to be angry. In these years there have been many times I've called out to God and seemed to get not answer. I've even said, "ha, God doesn't listen to me, who am I." But it's been me who hasn't listened to him. I've closed my ears to His words. I've stopped listening to him, to his direction and decided to take charge of things for myself. This rebellious spirit I've been entertaining has definitely led me deep into the dark. I'm embarrassed to admit how far I've fallen. Mainly because, I know and have known, I'm not blind to how far from Jesus I have turned. Daily I choose to ignore what God is saying to me and do things my own way. Because of that, we sit wasting away in this dry land, anxiety lives in me, and my marriage slowly crumbles. 

So today, I am saying, it's time to come out of the waste land, it's time to fix my eyes and heart on my King. Please pray for me. 

Dear Jesus, I fail everyday. I need you. I surrender my heart to You. Please fill me with your love. Open my eyes to see you and open my ears to hear you. Forgive me for my rebellious spirit. Thank you for your unfailing unconditional love. Amen



***On a side note. Dan and I visited a new church. We really really liked it. So we'll be visiting for the next month. Please pray with us that God speak clearly to us during our search for a church community to join!***

Goals

I like to make goals for myself. I don't know why exactly, because I never actually try to achieve them. I'm not very driven and incredibly lazy, but I'm 25, officially in the adult category, so I probably should start working on some things for real.

So, Goals

1. Rebuild my relationship with Christ. This is a big one, as I've been in a pretty serious season of rebellion for about 4 years now. (I'm working on a post about this currently.)

2. Loose weight. Of course, I always want to loose weight, but I've been on the right track for a while now, 38lbs & 3 sizes down and I'm excited!! I have no intentions of stopping my progress, it's too important. Now I just really need to quit smoking so I can start my 5k training!! 

3. Find a home church. We've just moved to the Lake Odessa area and I have a few friends that go to a great church. I'm really excited to check it out. From everything I've heard, it sounds like it should be a great fit for us. Prayers up, because we really need a church family. 

 I'm trying to keep it short, I don't want to overwhelm myself. So ladies, please pray for me, I'm really ready to start making some serious changes in my life, for me and my family. 

25

August 29th has come and gone. I'm officially 25 years old. I've been thinking a lot about being 25. For some reason this number has been haunting me. When I was 13 I imagined that at 25 I'd be a stay at home mom of at least 3. When I was 18 I imagined that at 25 I'd have traveled and experienced some pretty epic adventures. At 20, now pregnant, I imagined that at this point I'd be a homeowner, and be expecting baby number 2. I'm 25 today, Dan, Lucas and I are currently moving from his mom's house to my mom's house and baby number 2 is no where in sight. At 25, I'm exactly where I was at 20. 

FUCK.

When did I stop growing and learning and living? When did I stop being me? Do I even know who I am anymore? Here I am, 25, who am I?

Who am I..?

Who. Am I. ???

3 days later...

For so long I've been trying to be the person I think I'm suppose to be, in the process I feel like my spirit has been crushed. Who am I? Dan use to tell me, when we were dating, that I was the kindest person he knew. I remember walking through Meijer one time and him listing some of the things he loved about me; caring, giving, humble, the most forgiving person he knew, and always happy even when things suck! :) Well, I don't think anyone would describe me that way now, which is sad, because that girl sounds like a really great person. Somewhere along the road my heart hardened towards people and I started building walls, really really high walls. Inside these walls I can hide. I don't trust people. People hurt you. So I stay hidden in a small corner of my heart. But, here's the thing, even hidden away in that small corner, I still get hurt.  The people that I am suppose to trust, the ones I really love, they hurt me. And that hurt I cannot hide from. Years of being hurt, my spirit retreats, and I am no longer me.

I understand everyone gets hurt, but my pain is not your pain, and we handle it differently. 

I want to be me, I've changed for sure, but I don't want to fit into any ones unrealistic idea of what I should be, and I don't want to keep myself hidden away. 

So, again I ask myself, who am I?

   I am a wife and a mother. I've always hated defining myself as a wife and mother. I'm so much more than that. But being a wife is something I love. I love when Dan introduces me as his wife, it's just as exciting now as it was on the day we got married. Dan is part of me.
   Being a mother is heartbreaking and terrifying, but exciting and always changing, the most amazing adventure that will never end. Lucas is a part of me.

Dan's wife, is who I am. Lucas' mom is who I am.

But like I said before, I'm so much more. So I made a list of words that I would use to describe me. I've never really done this before, if asked I'd answer with well my husband or my friends would say. But this list, is my own :)

1. Dreamer. Oh the places I go, the people I meet, the things I try, all while laying in my bed or sitting under a tree. I'm the type of dreamer that goes on adventures. I don't dream only of things I can create or dream of plans for my family's future. I dream of things that I'll probably never be able to do. I live different lives, take different paths, and see the world through my imagination's eyes. I've always thought this was a bad thing, and indeed it can be, but I'm learning to shut it off, to go outside, and to live my life.

2. Intense. Along with being a dreamer, for me, comes intensity. Every outcome of ever scenario in every situation I play over and over again in my head. With good things and bad things. An awkward pause, a certain look, I analyze it from every angle. Sometimes I create a problem when there isn't one. I guess I could use the word analytical, but intense seems more appropriate for me. 

3. Pothead. Yes. We all know this, I smoke a lot of pot and I like it. But, here's the thing, I'm really intense. pot gets me out of my head, I stop analyzing, my mind stops drifting away. I need that. So, regardless of what anyone thinks, smoking weed is good, for me, right now. 

4. Private. I don't share a lot of things about my life. I think it's why I like to gossip, talking about other people means I don't have to talk about myself. That's bad, I know. But it's true. I keep a lot inside of me, I don't trust people, remember?

5. Crazy.

I can't really explain this one. I just really think I'm crazy.
I blame my mom ;)

6. Stubborn. Things have to go my way. Very childish, I am aware. This is something I'd like to change. 

7. Blunt. Or we can call it what it is, Insensitive. Also something I want to change.

8. Creative Cook. I love to cook, I hate following recipes. Give me a basket of food, and I 'll make you something. 

9. Loner. I've never really created deep connections with people outside of my family. I have friends, they're important to me and I like to see them. But I LOVE to be alone. People drain me, they take a lot of energy. I need to be alone. I need my space, my brain needs it time to be free.

10. Praiser. This is the most important part of me, but it's the part I've suppressed the most. I miss praise, I need to praise, and I need to feel free to do it in my way. In losing my praise, I've lost my joy, and I want that back. 

So there it is. I feel like I did a pretty good job in figuring out who I am. It only took me a full week to write this post :)

The purpose of this blog is for me to grow. Writing is therapeutic for me. I write to figure things out. I have some goals, I'll share with you later, I want to be able to see my progress, to document my life. I know you're busy so please don't ever feel like you have to read or respond. I'm sharing with you because, well honestly, why the hell not. This is me, tearing down walls.