25

August 29th has come and gone. I'm officially 25 years old. I've been thinking a lot about being 25. For some reason this number has been haunting me. When I was 13 I imagined that at 25 I'd be a stay at home mom of at least 3. When I was 18 I imagined that at 25 I'd have traveled and experienced some pretty epic adventures. At 20, now pregnant, I imagined that at this point I'd be a homeowner, and be expecting baby number 2. I'm 25 today, Dan, Lucas and I are currently moving from his mom's house to my mom's house and baby number 2 is no where in sight. At 25, I'm exactly where I was at 20. 

FUCK.

When did I stop growing and learning and living? When did I stop being me? Do I even know who I am anymore? Here I am, 25, who am I?

Who am I..?

Who. Am I. ???

3 days later...

For so long I've been trying to be the person I think I'm suppose to be, in the process I feel like my spirit has been crushed. Who am I? Dan use to tell me, when we were dating, that I was the kindest person he knew. I remember walking through Meijer one time and him listing some of the things he loved about me; caring, giving, humble, the most forgiving person he knew, and always happy even when things suck! :) Well, I don't think anyone would describe me that way now, which is sad, because that girl sounds like a really great person. Somewhere along the road my heart hardened towards people and I started building walls, really really high walls. Inside these walls I can hide. I don't trust people. People hurt you. So I stay hidden in a small corner of my heart. But, here's the thing, even hidden away in that small corner, I still get hurt.  The people that I am suppose to trust, the ones I really love, they hurt me. And that hurt I cannot hide from. Years of being hurt, my spirit retreats, and I am no longer me.

I understand everyone gets hurt, but my pain is not your pain, and we handle it differently. 

I want to be me, I've changed for sure, but I don't want to fit into any ones unrealistic idea of what I should be, and I don't want to keep myself hidden away. 

So, again I ask myself, who am I?

   I am a wife and a mother. I've always hated defining myself as a wife and mother. I'm so much more than that. But being a wife is something I love. I love when Dan introduces me as his wife, it's just as exciting now as it was on the day we got married. Dan is part of me.
   Being a mother is heartbreaking and terrifying, but exciting and always changing, the most amazing adventure that will never end. Lucas is a part of me.

Dan's wife, is who I am. Lucas' mom is who I am.

But like I said before, I'm so much more. So I made a list of words that I would use to describe me. I've never really done this before, if asked I'd answer with well my husband or my friends would say. But this list, is my own :)

1. Dreamer. Oh the places I go, the people I meet, the things I try, all while laying in my bed or sitting under a tree. I'm the type of dreamer that goes on adventures. I don't dream only of things I can create or dream of plans for my family's future. I dream of things that I'll probably never be able to do. I live different lives, take different paths, and see the world through my imagination's eyes. I've always thought this was a bad thing, and indeed it can be, but I'm learning to shut it off, to go outside, and to live my life.

2. Intense. Along with being a dreamer, for me, comes intensity. Every outcome of ever scenario in every situation I play over and over again in my head. With good things and bad things. An awkward pause, a certain look, I analyze it from every angle. Sometimes I create a problem when there isn't one. I guess I could use the word analytical, but intense seems more appropriate for me. 

3. Pothead. Yes. We all know this, I smoke a lot of pot and I like it. But, here's the thing, I'm really intense. pot gets me out of my head, I stop analyzing, my mind stops drifting away. I need that. So, regardless of what anyone thinks, smoking weed is good, for me, right now. 

4. Private. I don't share a lot of things about my life. I think it's why I like to gossip, talking about other people means I don't have to talk about myself. That's bad, I know. But it's true. I keep a lot inside of me, I don't trust people, remember?

5. Crazy.

I can't really explain this one. I just really think I'm crazy.
I blame my mom ;)

6. Stubborn. Things have to go my way. Very childish, I am aware. This is something I'd like to change. 

7. Blunt. Or we can call it what it is, Insensitive. Also something I want to change.

8. Creative Cook. I love to cook, I hate following recipes. Give me a basket of food, and I 'll make you something. 

9. Loner. I've never really created deep connections with people outside of my family. I have friends, they're important to me and I like to see them. But I LOVE to be alone. People drain me, they take a lot of energy. I need to be alone. I need my space, my brain needs it time to be free.

10. Praiser. This is the most important part of me, but it's the part I've suppressed the most. I miss praise, I need to praise, and I need to feel free to do it in my way. In losing my praise, I've lost my joy, and I want that back. 

So there it is. I feel like I did a pretty good job in figuring out who I am. It only took me a full week to write this post :)

The purpose of this blog is for me to grow. Writing is therapeutic for me. I write to figure things out. I have some goals, I'll share with you later, I want to be able to see my progress, to document my life. I know you're busy so please don't ever feel like you have to read or respond. I'm sharing with you because, well honestly, why the hell not. This is me, tearing down walls.